Blurring

I have a major paranoia about medication of any kind. Part of it stems from watching my grandmother and now my mother medicate themselves to death. My mother is currently on 26 prescription medications. Yes, she is genuinely sick, but I can't help but wonder how many of those meds are to treat the side effects of other medications. She has periods of dementia - again, probably caused by the meds - and has landed in the ER 3 times for bad medication reactions.

Watching her and her huge hands-full of pills has made a major impact on me. Her first response to anything is to take another pill. He bones are brittle, her skin is thin and fragile, she has constant infections. And she thinks that just taking more pills will fix it. She sits there and tells me that she needs more meds for hypertension while eating half a jar of pickles.

Meanwhile, I am on 4 prescription medications and my doctors have had to fight tooth and nail to get me to take them. They are poisoning me. I know they are. They are horrible chemicals and I don't know what they are doing to me. But I have to have them. I need to take artificial thyroid hormones because my thyroid doesn't work right. I have naproxen that I take for pain, and just going without it for a day reminds me of why I need it. I also have a prescription for Lortab, but I only take it about once every 6 months. I have my anti-anxiety meds, and isn't it ironic that taking Xanax freaks me out. And I have whatever anti-psychotic medication we are trying at the time. Right now that is Seroquel. I have had some seriously bad reactions to anti-psychotic meds in the past and it took a lot of convincing to get me to try some of the new ones.

My psychiatrist finally convinced me that the schizophrenia is an actual biological problem and the meds are to help balance the brain chemicals. But each one acts differently and I react strange to just about everything. The Seroquel has been the best so far - and we've tried 5 so far just in the past year - and even it is giving me problems. At the low dose I was still able to function kind of but I was still hallucinating, although not as much. Now we've increased the dosage and I'm zoning out. And that's what I hate about the meds the most. I will be sitting there trying to put a thought through my head and realize I've been wearing the same clothes for 2 days. I can't sleep, but I can't really wake up either. And the dreams are vivid and creepy and I have to fight to wake up. And when I'm finally awake, I have trouble telling if I really am awake or if it's just more of the dream.

I know they are doing research on how schizophrenia works in the brain and what genetically causes it. I just hope that someday soon they come up with a medication that helps with the symptoms without turning me into a fucking zombie.