Friday, February 7, 2014

Changes

One of the reasons I've had so many problems the past year or so is that the methods I had to deal with the schizophrenia just don't work any more. I used to go walking, meditate, listen to soothing music, etc. Now that just makes me more agitated. Instead of calming me down, it sets me off even more. I actually had a severe episode listening to my favorite Loreena McKennitt album. Not good.

So, new methods were needed. I had a pretty bad break where I was about THIS CLOSE to cutting. My head was screaming and I couldn't sit still. I ended up on the floor huddled on my knees just thinking about how opening a vein or two - not to kill myself but to see the soothing red flow out and hopefully take the screaming with it. I had some yoga meditation music going and it was doing absolutely nothing. The screaming in my head just got louder to drown it out.

All I could think was that I had to stop the noise in my head. If it was screaming, then I needed something louder. There were one or two Linkin Park songs I liked - some of their quieter ones - and I put them on and cranked the headphones. It actually worked. The loud, screaming metal drowned out my head and helped me calm down.

So now I have different methods of getting through an episode. I would still go walking if I could, but physically that's not an option. The calm, soothing music is totally out and the loud stuff is in. Now my weapon of choice is Linkin Park, Breaking Benjamins, Rob Zombie, Red, Cheville, Garbage, Staind ... music I used to absolutely hate is all I can listen to. And I love it. The lyrics speak to my disturbed brain and it's loud enough to drown out any voices or other feedback going on in my brain.

Who knew you could meditate to metal.

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