Monday, February 17, 2014

Stay out of my space

One of the ways I have always dealt with the confusion created by my head is to control as much of my surroundings as possible. I am not OCD by any stretch of the imagination, but I have my space that is MINE and don't mess with it. The problem is my mother doesn't get this. She never has. She has absolutely no respect for personal space whatsoever to the extent that it even bothers my non-mentally-ill siblings. Hell, on one trip to my sister's house, my mother spent an afternoon rearranging her kitchen and still doesn't get why Kristin was so irate about it.

I have tried to talk to her about giving me me space, but it just doesn't sink in. We will be in the kitchen and she will stand about 2 feet behind me and just watch what I am doing. It freaks me the fuck out. She will come into my room while I'm working on something or just trying to relax. My room is supposed to be my safe zone where I go when I really need to not interact with anyone. My dad gets it. My siblings get it. Hell, even my nieces and nephews get it. If they are visiting and I go into my room and close the door, that means leave me alone. The door is never fully closed - I have a stop that keeps it about 4 inches open so the cats can get in and out - but it is still closed. Open door means OK to come talk. Closed door means go away.Me sitting with the door closed, headphones on and not responding to anything means go the fuck away.  It should be simple.

One gray area is the bathroom. "My" bathroom is the large public bathroom. This gives me some fits when we have company, but I can usually deal with it for the most part provided someone cleans up the toddler pee from around the toilet. We had one incident of my mom trying to rearrange my stuff in the drawers but I pretty much lost it so hopefully that won't be repeated.

Right now we have an issue, though, and it's flipping me out. One of the cats is sick with a UTI and has had to be isolated. It is my parents' cat, not mine, but I offered my bathroom because it is bigger than their tiny master bath. The last time something similar happened the cat was isolated for 2 days and I was able to deal. Yes, it freaked me out that there was cat litter all over the floor and the counter. I had bleach and a roll of paper towels and used them copiously. When the cat was released, I scrubbed the whole room and we were back to normal, which means no cats allowed (I usually keep the door closed to keep out the felines). Well, this time we are at 4 days and counting. The cat is doing fine at this point, but my mom is convinced she still needs to be confined. I haven't been able to shower because of the cat litter all over and today my mom went in to sweep and clean up a bit and started straightening my things. She sat in there for an hour just to pet the cat and I couldn't use my bathroom when I needed to. She opened the window, which doesn't sound like a big deal but I am ALWAYS cold and I walked into a bathroom that felt like an icebox. I am starting to have anxiety about going in to pee - which is just pathetic.

Basically, tomorrow the cat is out. I can't take it any more. I want a clean floor. I want to shower. I want to brush my teeth without it tasting (imagined or real) of cat litter. I love all the cats, but there are reasons the cat boxes are kept in the garage. And there are reasons my parents have a separate bathroom. There have been times when my mom has used mine because hers is occupied and she has left a mess. She has some incontinence issues and she has left the pad just sitting in the trash and the room stunk of urine and she splattered diarrhea inside the bowl. Yes, it was contained in the bowl, but it was THERE. Some days I can deal fine. Then there are the days when I can SEE the germs and such all over everything and my skin just crawls.

I need my space back. And I need it now.

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