Just tired

I'm just so tired of it all. Completely, totally exhausted. No, I haven't reached the suicidal point. At least not yet. I just need a vacation from being me.

I am tired of being tired. Between the grogginess from the anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds and the fibromyalgia, I am always tired. Some days are worse that others, but I am just so tired of it being a chore to do anything at all. Some days just getting to the bathroom is exhausting, let alone taking a shower, getting dressed and getting something to eat. But I can't just stay in bed because that makes me ache even worse. And if I don't try to occupy my brain, things get really messy.

I am tired of battling myself. I have meds I need to take, but I have a major paranoia that each and every pill is poisoning me. Some days it's so bad I have trouble even eating because I can "see" the poison in and on the food. So each and every time I pop any kind of pill, whether it's a prescription med or a vitamin, I have to fight with myself over it and it always makes me panic just a little bit. Yes, I am aware of the irony of having anxiety over taking my anxiety meds. And I have days where I barely eat because I just can't do it. I can't put that stuff in my body.

I am tired of fighting to act as normal as possible. I am so tired of forcing myself to analyse everything I see, everything I hear, everything I smell, everything I touch to determine if it is real or not. Every single conversation is a field of landmines and I have to tiptoe through the what is said and what isn't said and it gives me headaches trying to figure out how to respond. I can act, put on a mask and play a part. But I don't want to. I want to be me. But no one seems to get it when I try to have a conversation without the filters. And I get frustrated because they don't get why that was funny or something else isn't how it should be.

I am tired of trying to prove that I am worth something. I have a very low self-esteem and always have. I have made myself easy to ignore, and life hasn't helped with that. Society tells me I am worthless. My government tells me I am a pathetic leech who is just lazy and doesn't want to work. There is always someone or something that is more important than me. And I tell myself it's OK that my doctor cancels or leaves me waiting for 3 hours because that other patient is always more important than me. It's OK that I am always eating out alone - if I go out at all - because my friends and family all have more important things than me. I can make excuses all day about how anything and everything is more important than me. But at the same time, I have what therapists in my past have called delusions that tell me I am strong, powerful and more than human. I may be here on earth right now, but when I'm not I am the thing that humans call on to chase the monsters away. So even as I tell myself I am invisible and not worth anyone's time, I am struggling not to get up in their face and tell them HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME! Thanks to past hack therapists, so-called friends who took advantage and one abusive ex-fiance, that inner strength is so smothered I am basically a throw rug that everyone walks on. I am trying to find a voice and let people know I'm here and worth listening to, but my voice has become a whisper and no one can hear me.

I am tired of fighting. It would be so much easier to just give in to the delusions, the hallucinations, the pain, the exhaustion. It would be so much easier to just let them lock me up in a psych ward somewhere and let someone else deal with everything. It would be so easy to just give up. God, I'm so tired I just don't want to deal with any of it any more.