Monday, June 23, 2014

That moment

I keep trying to find it, to remember it. I keep trying to find that moment when the enthusiasm changed to reluctance, when the excitement changed to fear. But I just can't find it. I don't know when it happened or how. I just know it did.

I know some of the whys of it. I know a lot of my fear and anxiety come from being in constant pain and not being able to do a lot of the things I used to be able to. But I lived with the pain for a long time and was still able to be strong and do things. I still wasn't afraid.

I need to know. I need to know when that moment was and what caused it. Because I don't want to be afraid any more.

This isn't the kind of fear or anxiety that can be brushed off with a few deep breaths. I was a pro at dealing with that. That's the fear you get before getting on a roller coaster or speaking before a crowd. You look that fear in the face and laugh at it and you go on, and the fear turns into exhilaration. No, this is the kind of fear that paralyzes you. It gets into the pit of your stomach and makes you absolutely sick. It makes your heart race and your muscles tremble and shake. Your mind races and you can't think and no amount of deep breathing or positive mantras will make it go away.

Somewhere in my experiences, in my delusions, in my hallucinations, in my interactions with people, my brain has changed and I have become a cowering mess that can't even answer a phone call. I don't understand it, and that makes it even worse. If I could just know how and why it is happening then I could deal with it. I have battled monsters and demons in my mind before and won. But this one sneaks up behind me and hits me before I can react. I never know when it will hit or how hard. There are some triggers I know of, but sometimes I will get through a trigger event just find and other times it is uncontrollable.

I am a stranger in my own mind. It does things I don't understand and can't control. And it is terrifying. If I could just find that moment when it changed, maybe I could change it back. Maybe I could get to know myself again. Maybe I could be in control. I don't want the monsters to win.

Monday, June 2, 2014

One of those days

Sometimes I just have one of those days.

I felt off before I even got out of bed. My legs hurt. My head hurts. Every noise seems too loud. Everything smells weird.

I just want to huddle up into a ball, but I feel claustrophobic at the same time. I feel ragged, raw, jagged about the edges.

I managed to make it to the kitchen to take my meds and grab some breakfast. My mom, of course, is on the opposite cycle from me and is manically mopping and cleaning while still in her pajamas. She has opened all the windows but didn't turn the AC off so it's cranking cold air full blast. She starts talking to me, too loud, too much laughing. I lean against the counter and put my head against the cabinets and just hold on, taking deep breaths. The kitchen is chaos of misplaced chairs and the cats are freaked out and circling. My head just spins and I want to huddle onto to the floor until it all goes away.

Slowly I get it done. Coffee and some food to bring my blood sugar up. Mom is still jabbering away, but at least the chairs are back on the floor and I have someplace to eat. Finally she asks if I'm OK. All I can answer is "no." I don't know why, I don't know how, but today I feel trapped and frantic. It just happens some days and I don't know why.

She is quiet for about 5 minutes, then starts jabbering again. Finally she leaves the room and I can eat. My mind finally starts to settle, like a dish of water that has been sloshed about and slowly the waves get smaller until the surface is still. OK, it's almost still. I still feel off.

I have no idea if this feeling will last all day or not. I have no idea why it happens. It just does sometimes. There has to be a rhyme or reason to it, but I have yet to figure it out. I will just suddenly feel trapped and frantic and anything out of place or too loud or too smelly or too anything will make it worse.

Hopefully today it will only last for a little bit, an hour or two. Otherwise it will be one of those days.