That moment

I keep trying to find it, to remember it. I keep trying to find that moment when the enthusiasm changed to reluctance, when the excitement changed to fear. But I just can't find it. I don't know when it happened or how. I just know it did.

I know some of the whys of it. I know a lot of my fear and anxiety come from being in constant pain and not being able to do a lot of the things I used to be able to. But I lived with the pain for a long time and was still able to be strong and do things. I still wasn't afraid.

I need to know. I need to know when that moment was and what caused it. Because I don't want to be afraid any more.

This isn't the kind of fear or anxiety that can be brushed off with a few deep breaths. I was a pro at dealing with that. That's the fear you get before getting on a roller coaster or speaking before a crowd. You look that fear in the face and laugh at it and you go on, and the fear turns into exhilaration. No, this is the kind of fear that paralyzes you. It gets into the pit of your stomach and makes you absolutely sick. It makes your heart race and your muscles tremble and shake. Your mind races and you can't think and no amount of deep breathing or positive mantras will make it go away.

Somewhere in my experiences, in my delusions, in my hallucinations, in my interactions with people, my brain has changed and I have become a cowering mess that can't even answer a phone call. I don't understand it, and that makes it even worse. If I could just know how and why it is happening then I could deal with it. I have battled monsters and demons in my mind before and won. But this one sneaks up behind me and hits me before I can react. I never know when it will hit or how hard. There are some triggers I know of, but sometimes I will get through a trigger event just find and other times it is uncontrollable.

I am a stranger in my own mind. It does things I don't understand and can't control. And it is terrifying. If I could just find that moment when it changed, maybe I could change it back. Maybe I could get to know myself again. Maybe I could be in control. I don't want the monsters to win.