Where am I?

Yes, it has been far too long since I've written in this. I didn't want to sound whiny. Note to self: That's kind of the idea of this blog. I'm supposed to be able to say what I want without worrying about whether it sounds whiny, pathetic, crazy, deranged or whatever.

I absolutely have no idea how I am doing or where I am. OK, I literally know where I am, but mentally I am wandering lost. I've tried to move on and take steps, but I am standing in a mental wasteland and I have no idea which direction I should, can or will go. Instead I stand and turn in a circle and wonder what the fuck I'm supposed to do.

I finally tried to come to grips with the fact that I will never be independent again. That almost landed me in the hospital again. I have ALWAYS been independent, even as a child, and it is killing me that I will have to depend on someone else for the rest of my life. I was finally able to get to the point of getting rid of a lot of my stuff in the garage, all that stuff that I would need if I were to get an apartment or house on my own. The washer and dryer went to my brother, James. The couch went to my sister Kristin. Two side tables, my big mirror and a bunch of other household stuff went to the Re-Store. My dad found a way to fit two of my bookcases in my bedroom and I spent a lot of time going through all my books. It was hard because not all of them would fit and I had to get rid of a lot of them.

All of this has added stress and we all know I don't handle stress well. I started hallucinating badly at one point despite the meds. I was constantly nauseated and had diarrhea (I know; gross) and I was bleeding and had constant cramps. Dr. Nielson, my psychiatrist, increased my meds for a couple of weeks and sent me to the clinic's OB-GYN, Dr. Johnson. She was great and agreed that I had a severe hormone imbalance because the stress had set of my PCOS. She said the best bet was to get rid of my cycle altogether and she put me on Depo shots. Things have leveled out a bit - I'm back down to my regular dosage on my anti-psychotics - but my body is still adjusting to the Depo so I'm still having some fluctuations. Dr. Johnson had said it would take at least 3 months for my body to adjust to the Depo so I'm not worried too much yet, but I wish the hormone fluxes would just GO AWAY!

And now it's the holidays. Welcome extra stress. Fortunately Dr. Nielson is having me be proactive and increase my meds before and during the visits from family. I just can't handle the chaos of having all those kids running around and the extra people in the house.

I really want to think I'm doing better, but I'm really not. Today is a good example of how imbalanced I still am. I woke up from an unsettling dream, which always takes a while to shake off. My parents were gone holiday shopping again and I looked at the calendar and the housekeeper was scheduled to arrive in 30 minutes. I completely freaked. I know Jennifer - hell, I'm the one who gave her name to my mom - but the idea of being alone in the house with some other person made me panic. As always, I knew logically that it was ridiculous to be worried about it and that just made it worse. I HATE having my emotions or instincts override logic, although you'd think I'd be used to it by now. It is now 3 hours later and I'm still trying to get myself to calm down.

It scares me that the meds I'm on might not be good enough or be doing what I need them to. There is nothing more terrifying than going off of meds and then trying another new one that may or may not work. I have had so many that made things worse and the time in between the meds is absolute hell. I'm terrified that we might need to change, though. Because right now I'm really not where I need to be. I am lost.