Monday, January 12, 2015

Pulling Things Together

Thanks to Shannon, my wonderful therapist, I have been able to pull some semblance of my life together. Yes, things still suck. Yes, I'm still sick and fucking hate the way my life is. But she's helping me see things a little differently.

In our last session I basically told her everything I said in my last post. She listened patiently, then said one simple sentence: "But you're still here."

Despite everything, I do decide every day to get out of bed. I decide to do something, even if it's just feed myself and watch TV. I decide to keep living and not kill myself. She put that into context and I am realizing that just being here is a bigger accomplishment than I thought it was.

She also said that cutting my hair is a good thing - or at least not a bad thing. In her regular job she deals with troubled teens and when they have patients who self-harm the first thing to do is re-direct the impulse to something that isn't damaging. I have cut in the past. I tend to gouge my arms with my fingernails, pull out my hair and yank out my eyelashes. All of these are damaging. Cutting my hair until I'm almost bald is not damaging and in her line of work that would be considered a good substitute to cutting or pulling hair. It hurts no one and if it takes care of the self-harm impulse it is definitely a good thing. So I don't have hair. So what.

She also reassured me about carrying around a stuffed pig in my bag. She said I would easily be a candidate for a therapy dog and Charlotte (the pig) fills that same position. Only I don't have to feed her or clean up after her and the cats could care less if she's on the bed with me.

As for feeling like I'm going nowhere in my life, she said that's OK, too. It is better to sit in one place for a bit if you're lost than go wandering in the wrong direction. Then we got talking about how my dad and I have never been able to go hiking together. He is a destination hiker - he walks the trail, takes a few pics, then hikes back. I am a wanderer - I have to stop at every flower, rock and tree and have a close look. So if I'm not heading anywhere in my life right now, why not sit and look around a bit? Maybe the "scenery" around me will give me a hint as to which direction I should eventually go. And who cares if I don't get there very fast. It's more important to take in the beauty around us than get to the end as fast as possible.

So I keep reminding myself of all this. It's still hard. My dad is right now in my bathroom putting in safety bars because I've become too shaky to take a shower without something to hold on to. I accidentally ate something with a trace amount of wheat and am sick and sore. I feel like shit. But I just have to remind myself that things really are OK.

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