Sunday, March 1, 2015

Patience is not a virtue

They say patience is a virtue. And I ask why? Why is it a good thing to just sit and wait without complaining?

I have always been plagues by a low self-esteem. Everyone else is more important than I am. It is OK if I have to wait or not get a turn or just plain get nothing because someone else comes first. They ALWAYS come first. I am less than them.

I was raised with this ingrained in my head. Part of it is no doubt middle child syndrome. Part of it is that everyone was always taking care of mother and all else came second - or third - or fourth. This is still the case. I spend more time waiting for my mother than anyone should have the patience for. My dad says I should be patient, that is just the way she is. But I am tired of trying to be patient. I am tired of waiting.

It is simple things like it taking her 20 minutes to do something that should take 10. We are halfway through a movie on Netflix and she needs to go to the bathroom and takes 40 minutes. And I have to sit and watch a blank screen because I am not allowed to watch the movie without her. Tonight it was a phone call. We are watching a show and her phone rings. Instead of taking the call in the other room, she sits in her chair right next to me and talks for 35 minutes. She talks so loud there is no choice but to pause the show and wait.

I just don't have that patience. And I am tired of trying to force myself to be patient. I watch TV to distract myself from my anxieties and delusions. It really is a hardship for me to sit and watch a fucking blank screen for 40 minutes because she has bladder issues or gets distracted getting a drink or somehow takes 25 minutes to microwave leftovers. AND SHE NEVER SEEMS TO CARE! She does these things and makes everyone wait and just expects it to happen, no matter how long it takes.

I am tired of it. Tonight, while she was on the phone chatting along, I handed her the remotes and left the room. I went in my room and watched something on my computer. When she was finally done she came in and pouted and whined because I didn't want to watch TV with her and dad anymore. And my dad treated it like I was throwing a temper tantrum.

A temper tantrum it might be. Because I am tired of it. I can't do it. I shouldn't have to do it. If it was only once and a while I could handle it, but it is literally every single day. Every single fucking day there is something that she does that leaves me waiting. I have tried to explain to her before that I can't wait. I need the distractions. I can't just sit in silence. But she doesn't remember or she doesn't care. And my dad just sits there and waits. He has patience. I don't. And I'm not sure I want it.