Sunday, August 16, 2015

And the damn breaks - almost

I haven't been on here for way too long. I was somewhat stable for a while and I can tell my therapist just about anything so I guess I didn't feel the need.

Well, things are changing. I am NOT stable. We are slipping down the rabbit hole again and I quite frankly am scared. I have always heard that when a person is going insane, they don't know it. That is a lie. I can feel every single moment and it is terrifying as hell.

I guess I never was as stable as I thought I was. I still never leave the house unless I need to. I can't stand chaos. I freak out if all of a certain kind of spoon is dirty (I will clean one of the "correct" spoons before using a different one). I have to use Lysol in my bathroom or on the couch if someone else has used either. No, I really haven't been stable, but I have been trying to find a new baseline, a place where I can say "when I feel like this, things are OK".

Then stress really started to build and I had nowhere for it to go. Or, at least, nowhere I felt comfortable letting it go. I don't really want to become an angry, screaming toddler throwing a temper tantrum. But that's how I felt - how I still feel. It's like I talk and it just goes off into space somewhere and no one really hears it. In typical fashion, my family deals with what they don't understand by ignoring it. Oh, I had an anxiety attack and started crying? Just ignore her until she calms down. Then everything is OK.

Months ago I started to get sick physically, more so than my normal fibromyalgia/arthritis crap. I had constant diarrhea and just felt weaker than normal. The food that I ate just went right through me and I just felt like crap. (BTW, I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat salad again after pooping one out basically intact. That is an image that I can't get rid of.) I went to my doctor and he acted unconcerned. He first thought it was because of having my gall bladder removed, even though the problems started months after that had happened. He gave me a medication to help get excess bile out my system, but it just made things worse. He suggested Imodium, but it did nothing at all. He then gave me a prescription that was basically Imodium on steroids and it actually made things worse. I had abdominal pain and cramping. I called and said it wasn't working, and the response was to keep with it. I left a second message stating very plainly that it not only wasn't working AT ALL but was causing abdominal pain. The response was to only use it if I was going to leave the house (even though it never worked at all) and that was it. I guess I was just supposed to live with it.

He never ran tests. He never gave me any options. He obviously didn't understand or really listen to my messages. It was then that I realized he really hadn't done much for me for years. He diagnosed the fibromyalgia in 2005 - and did nothing. He was quick to diagnose the gall bladder infection, but that was something rather common. After years of joint pain he diagnosed the osteoarthritis. He never explained how he knew it was osteo and not rheumatoid or psoriatic arthritis. And he did nothing. When I really pushed he gave me stronger pain meds, but he never ordered anything besides routine blood tests and made the note "results are what we expect". WTF is that supposed to mean?

So, I dumped my doctor. I found a new internist (he is actually the one my mom sees. No stress there) but there was a month's wait before I could get in for a new patient appointment. So I have been dealing with things myself the best I can. The stress from feeling like crap (pun intended) was building. My mom started having issues and I got to play Cassandra again. She finally went into the doctor and it was a kidney infection and maybe more. A friend came to visit, which was wonderful but stressful. My older sister and two of her kids came to visit, which was wonderful and stressful. And the stress kept building. I just felt more sick. I couldn't eat. My mom was acting erratic like she always does when something is off and I just couldn't take it any more.

Five minutes on Google game me 2 reputable sources saying that people with IgA deficiency like me are prone to digestive infections (why couldn't my doctor have done that?) so I started self-medicating with herbal garlic. It helped a bit, but I was still having issues. I told both my parents that I was half an anxiety attack from ending up in the hospital again, but there was no real response from them. (Yes, the name of the game is DENIAL). My therapist was out of town and I was left on my own. I sat down and reviewed my options. I could let the dam break altogether, lose my touch on reality and end up in the hospital. Or I could open a floodgate: take enough alprazolam to make the anxiety go away (not necessarily suicidal, but close); start cutting again to relieve the pressure; or open the box that kept the voices at bay. I chose the last option.

It did relieve pressure, although I am still finding myself shaking and still have to take the maximum alprazolam every day. I am keeping very careful track so I don't take more than I'm supposed to. I was finally able to see my therapist and my psychiatrist and they didn't come right out and say they were worried but they rearranged their schedules so that I see at least one of them every week for a while. I am not allowed to drive right now. Things are noisy in my head and I still feel raw, like the inside of my brain has a bad sunburn. And I really don't know what will happen. Some of these voices have been closed off since I was in my teens.

I have told my parents, of course, that I am under close watch by my psychiatrist and my therapist and that I can't drive and that I am having "hallucination issues." They haven't said anything about it. They both seem far more worried about my mom's kidney infection and because I'm not babbling madly or whatever I guess I can be ignored. Neither asks me how I am doing. So I just sit here by myself waiting for all those voices and personalities to settle in and find their places and trying to stay calm.

It's all just waiting.

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