I have been having a lot of issues lately, obviously. There is so much going on in my head it's hard to keep things straight. And I am TRYING to get myself in to see a doctor or two to see if anything can be done to help with my physical problems. The problem is, I have to keep rescheduling.
It is a major issue for me to make a doctor's appointment. I have a major paranoia that doctors are just hacks, none can help me, and the medications they give me are poison. I fight my own instincts every single time I take any medication. So for me to decide I need to see a doctor and actually make an appointment is a big deal. Then I fret over it, fight myself not to cancel it, and once I'm there just being in a medical setting is a major anxiety trigger.
Well, I know I need to see a doctor. I think I mentioned in the last post that I finally figured out that my primary physician really was doing nothing for me and it wasn't just my paranoia. I will see a new doctor the first week of September. In the meantime, I finally got up the courage to make an appointment with an immunologist, since most of my physical problems. are immune and autoimmune related. I made the appointment, put it on the family calendar, and got my paperwork together.
Then my mom came along and made a doctor's appointment for 45 minutes before mine. Yes, she needed to see the doctor, but my appointment was the only thing listed for that day. She could have chosen another time. My appointment had been on the calendar for 2 weeks and suddenly it was impossible. In my family, mom's appointments take priority, no matter what (an issue that gives me a major inferiority complex, by the way). I am unable to drive right now and my dad has to be with my mom at her appointments because she needs someone there who will remember what happens. It was physically impossible for me to make my appointment. There were no apologies.
I called and canceled my appointment and actually convinced myself to reschedule instead of just canceling. Again, it wasn't easy. I made it for a day that was completely open, just like last time. I put it on the calendar. I told my mom about it.
My appointment is for tomorrow. I got up this morning and looked at the calendar and she had done it again. She has made an appointment for half an hour before mine. We are both really sick, but I hide mine better. So she gets priority. I am going to have to cancel again and I don't know if I will be able to get myself to reschedule.
To say that this is causing me major issues would be an understatement. My entire family is so brainwashed by my mom that we just drop everything to take care of her. And she expects it. She is genuinely surprised and upset if or when I say no to her. I seem to be the only one who has broken free of it.
And I have voices knocking around in my head that are - well, I'm not sure if they are making it better or worse. Some are telling me I am just as important, maybe even more important than her. One went so far as to say that she will never change because to change one has to be self aware, and she's barely sentient. Others blame her illnesses and other problems on all the poisons she takes (she is on more than 20 prescription drugs) and others say she is so used to being the "baby" that she thinks she can - and does - act like a 4-year-old.
Regardless of what the voices - or anyone else - says, I am coming in a far second when it comes to getting cared for. I have learned to hide my pain better. I have learned to hide the fact that it feels like my head will explode from the voices and the stress. And because I don't look or act as sick as my mom, everyone assumes I'm doing OK. But I can't bring myself to show it. I will NOT act like her. And I am sick and tired of being expected to take care of her or play into her victim mentality. And I am tired of being treated like my problems are less than hers just because I don't whine about it. I need help. I am trying to get it. But instead of helping she is undermining my efforts over and over again.
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