I don't feel safe

My mom has been really bad the past couple of days - again. I tried to get my dad to take her to the ER because she wasn't lucid and wasn't following conversations, but after a nap she seemed better so it didn't happen. Today he said she was better. She is more lucid. She if following conversations. But she still wet herself and had to take a shower twice. I am scared to death to be left alone with her again.

And the fact that I started this entry with an update on my mom highlights the real problem: I am still putting her first. She is still the priority.

This morning I had trouble sleeping. My brain wouldn't calm down. I was shaking like crazy and I had a moment of disconnect - that's when I can't decide if this world is real or not. Even after I took my morning pain meds and dose of alprazolam, I still couldn't calm down. I had to take a second alprazolam within an hour of the first - which is REALLY not a good sign - and I'm still feeling off balance. I feel like I'm coming apart and need to wrap myself in duct tape to keep me together.

Epiphany time.

I have known deep down for quite some time that I need to increase or change my psych meds. Yes, I have been feeling physically ill and that has added to the stress, but I am just not keeping it together. Part of the reason I've resisted is that change scares me. At least I know what to expect from the meds I'm on now. I have had bad reactions to so many medications that trying something new is just terrifying.

And that brings me to the real problem: If I felt safe at home, I wouldn't have as many issues with switching meds. But I don't feel safe. My parents don't even notice if I'm having an anxiety attack half the time, let alone when I'm hallucinating or disconnecting. And that's when my mom is doing well. If I switch medications, I have no one I can trust to notice if something is going really wrong.

Hell, they don't even notice anything is wrong right now. I've told them straight out that I'm having problems, but I look OK and can still feed myself and I'm not peeing in my chair so I must be fine. If they can't tell things are wrong now, how can I trust anyone to notice a bad medication reaction? How can I trust that I can get help?

The answer is that I can't. I just don't feel safe, and so I am not getting myself the help I need. Of course, the easy answer is to check myself into the hospital while they play with my meds, but that would leave my mom completely unsupervised, which just cannot happen. I am at an impasse and I just don't know what to do.