Never honest

First of all: Update from that last post in August. I ended up in the hospital. I went for my usual appointment with my therapist and I was in such bad shape that she actually drove me to the ER. I was in Behavioral Med for a week. While I was there, my mom collapsed and also ended up in the hospital. Fun times all around.

I am now on a new anti-depressant and new anxiety meds (yes, that's plural). That, of course, keeps triggering my medication paranoia. I have some meds that I take 3 times a day and some every 4 hours so I always seem to have a "take meds" alarms going off on my phone. I had to add which medications to the alarm because I was getting confused.

In some ways I'm doing better. The new meds definitely work better. Plus one of the anxiety meds helps with the fibromyalgia pain, so that's a bonus. The suicidal thoughts are gone and the voices are quieter. I have been able to do some things I couldn't before, like get myself to see a new OB/GYN and a dentist, although the dentist left me a nervous wreck. Still, I was able to do it.

So, I promised my psychiatrist that I would be honest with him from now on. If I'm depressed, stressed, suicidal, anxious, whatever I will tell him. But the truth is I have never been completely honest and I don't know if I can be.

I have admitted to severe anxiety. I have admitted to social anxiety, but I haven't been honest about why it freaks me out to be around people. I can't bring myself to admit that I can feel the pressure of their thoughts all around me and if they get too close their auras brush mine and it hurts. I have admitted to hearing voices and even admitted to hearing them all the time, no matter what. But I can't bring myself to tell anyone what all they say because it feeds into my delusions - or what they would call delusions. I haven't decided yet. (The voices tell me I'm perfectly fine so I'm good, right?) I have never admitted to my delusions. I have never told those stories and I don't know if I ever will. They are so integrated into my mind and my memories and my beliefs that I'm pretty sure it would destroy me if my psychiatrist or my therapist told me they weren't real.

Of course, there is also the fact that if I can end up in the hospital just from the anxiety and such, what would happen if I admitted to the delusions and the feeling of other people's thoughts? I am terrified to find out.