Still trying to find a map to recovery

I have dealt with mental illness of one kind or another since I was 11. I have had good days, good months, good years. I have also had bad. But I have always recovered to some degree and was able to continue on. Looking back on it - and from what I can remember, which is always iffy - each time I had a breakdown I didn't recover as fast or as completely. And this time I can't seem to find any sort of path to recovery.

It is frustrating, to say the least, but at least I'm finding some answers. First, my physical health has declined drastically over the years and it ties in to my mental health. My inability to recover physically is seriously impeding my ability to recover mentally. Of course, the physical part is just as frustrating. I have been in constant pain for at least 25 years and I was able to deal with it before. Why is it so debilitating now?

I found another clue in a Facebook post this morning from a schizophrenia information site. It stated that studies have found that recovery is more difficult after each relapse. There may be progressive structural brain changes, which can make medications less effective. Thought processes change because the brain has changed and it makes it harder to return to "normal." Basically, every time I have had a breakdown there has been more damage and the process needed to recover becomes more obscure.

I am terrified, to say the least, to see what the future will hold. I don't even know what recovery means. I cannot see a future where I am able to live on my own again. I cannot see a future where I don't have a caretaker, and if anything happens to my Dad I don't know who that would be. The last time I was in the hospital (back in August), we put together a plan of baby steps that would get me functioning better and get back out into the world again. That totally hasn't happened. My social anxiety seems to be worse and I don't know how to make those steps without someone holding my hand.

I can't find the path, and no one else seems to have a map either.