Another fuck up

So I fucked up again and I am trying really hard not to have a massive down-spiral.

Yesterday morning I was doing very poorly. I was having trouble placing my very vivid dreams in the "not real" category and I was touchy and mentally sensitive. I went out to make breakfast and my mom was blocking the kitchen area - it's tiny - and I couldn't deal with the proximity thing. I said I would make breakfast when she had finished making hers and I went back in my room. Then my dad came in and yelled at me, saying my mom had a right to be in the kitchen, too, and why couldn't we both be in there at the same time. I muttered something about being touchy and cranky and he went away.

It was at that point that I realized that my parents aren't understanding or getting the signals I am putting off when I am in distress. Apparently if I am not in total crisis mode, they think I'm doing just fine.

So I tried to open a line of communication. I was having big problems with the verbal communications thing, so I wrote a letter. I explained that I am dealing with a severe mental illness and even if I look fine, I'm not. I tried to described what it's like to try to navigate my world and what my mind actually saw that morning when I went out for breakfast and why it caused such a negative reaction.

Major backfire.

I actually am kind of impressed my my mom's talent for twisting things around, especially since she probably has no idea she is doing it. She sat down with the letter, in tears, and instead of us talking about my issues and what kind of support and understanding I need, I ended up spending 10 minutes reassuring her that I still love her and I'm not going to stop living with them. Then she went on to say that reading my letter made her realize that she also has schizophrenia (her doctors and psychiatrist have already ruled that out. I was there. She has dementia caused my too many medication interactions and overdoses) and so she knows exactly how I feel. (Bullshit!). She then went into the whole history of how she has had the depression for so long and how friends helped her get help and how it runs in the family and cousin Robert had anxiety ... I finally had to cut her off. At that point I was so overwhelmed and pissed at her pre-empting the conversation I just left.

Oh, and I saw my dad with the letter in his hands but he hasn't said a word. I have no idea if he even read it.

So - the result is no change in status except that my mom now has a new "issue" that she can tell everyone about. I have dealt with my mental health issues by myself for most of my life and it looks like I will have to continue to do so. My mom it too focused on herself to see when I need help or support. My dad just wants to ignore what he can. Even my sisters are starting to be no help. When I tried to talk to Kristin she gave me the automatic, non-supportive "that's just how mom is." Nothing else. Everyone else just gives me a "I'm sorry you have to deal with that." It is all still focused on mom and not on me.

I have nowhere to go. I have no one to talk to day by day who will actually listen. I had thought I was making progress with my family, but this has shown me that I have actually failed miserably at communicating my needs to them. I am royally fucked.