Another 365 Days To Go

Published to Tumblr January 1, 2016

I survived the first day of 2016. And thanks to it being a leap year, I have another 365 days to go. 

I was actually feeling OK at the end of 2015. I know logically that the changing of the calendar is pretty irrelevant, but there is still a feeling of accomplishment at having survived another trip around the Sun. Then the new year begins and a new long, long road stretches out ahead of me. 

I actually had to get off of Facebook earlier today because I had a panic attack at all the well-wishing for a wonderful New Year. 2016 will be great. All will be wonderful. Think happy thoughts and they will come and nothing will go wrong all year long. 2015 was crap, but the new year will be great. It was sickening and just wrong and It made me feel stifled and cramped. My daily routine that keeps me going suddenly feels like a trap. Alarm goes off: time to take pain meds. 1 p.m.: time to eat lunch. Alarm goes off: time to take anxiety meds. Don’t eat anything after 8 p.m. because it interferes with the 9 p.m. meds. I just want to scream. It’s OK if I take things a day at a time, but the thought of 365 days of the same thing is terrifying.

I can’t help but think of Sisyphus, a character in Greek Mythology. He was condemned by the Gods to eternally roll a large stone to the top of a mountain only to have it roll back down so he could start over again. That’s how I feel: my stone has rolled back down to the bottom and I face the very long, hard road back to the top. 

Don’t tell me the year will be wonderful. Don’t tell me it will be awful. Don’t tell me it will be anything. Just tell me about today and maybe tomorrow. I can’t think any further than that.