How Do They See Me?

Published to Tumblr January 17, 2016

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I try to be open about my illnesses, both physical and mental. I try to communicate. I’m not looking for sympathy, just acknowledgment and maybe some understanding. But it doesn’t happen.

A couple of days ago I posted an article on my Facebook page about being open about mental illness. I added a fairly long not about my own illnesses and how hard is has been to come out as schizophrenic. I put it out there and ended up feeling naked and exposed. I have had to resist the urge to delete the post multiple times.

Do you know what? It has been viewed a bunch of times, but no likes and no comments, not even from my closest friends and family. And now my anxiety and paranoia kick in. What do they think of me now? Are they scared of me now? God knows the media has painted an ugly, scary, and wildly incorrect picture of what schizophrenia looks like. But is that how they now see me? 

I know it shouldn’t matter how others see me. It only matters what I think of me. But the screaming silence is kicking in the worst parts of my mental illness: Paranoia, doubt that past experiences and supportive conversations were real, feeling separated from the rest of the human race … I’m trying to not let it take over, but it’s hard. 

So much for trying to educate people.