I'm Not Getting Better

Published to Tumblr February 10, 2016

September 26, 2012. That was the day I finally couldn’t take any more. I left work in the middle of the day and never went back. The straw that broke the camel’s back had actually fallen months before, but being the stubborn Taurus I am I kept crawling forward. Then I just couldn’t any more. I had more than a broken back, I was completely shattered. 

I started seeing my psychiatrist very soon after that. It was a good thing, too, because I was suicidal, delusional, stressed, and basically a hot mess. I was very lucky in that the psychiatrist most qualified to handle my combination of mental illnesses donated his time to the Doctor’s Volunteer Clinic. Since I had no insurance - and it took 2 ½ years for my disability claim to go through and for my Medicare to kick in - this was the only way I could see anyone. After about 6 months I started seeing my therapist, Shannon. She is wonderful and she has helped me through a lot. 

In the past 3 /12 years, I have seen my psychiatrist about once a month and my therapist every other week. I have been hospitalized twice, once for a psychotic break and once because I was suicidal. We have tried different medications and different therapies and coping strategies. I finally found a regular doctor who understands and knows how to handle my physical illnesses, which are chronic and painful. Looking at the numbers, I should be doing great. I should be well on my way to recovery. 

But I’m not. I have days, even weeks, where I feel like I’m doing great. Then something happens and the delusions flood back or I start getting anxious at every little thing. I look back and the good days were pretty much days where I had nothing to stress me. If I push myself - like last week I tried driving several miles on a busy street and having coffee at a coffee shop to test my social anxiety - I will feel OK at the time, but the next day I will be a total mess again. 

Yesterday drove home to me just how far I have to come. It was my Dad’s first day back at work after the winter break and my Mom had a doctor’s appointment. She can’t drive, so I had to take her. This is nothing new, nothing I haven’t done before, but it always causes me stress. Yesterday I got her in the car, got her to the doctor’s office, then I sat down in the waiting room and had an anxiety attack. I was panting and dizzy when she came out and trying to direct her to the car didn’t help one bit. She kept listing to the side and almost falling, and me with my cane almost went to the ground with her. I had to sit in the car for several minutes just breathing before I drove us home. Once I finally got the anxiety calmed down, I had the depression hit harder than it has in quite a while. I ended up just curled up in bed crying. 

This is just the beginning of the long months of my Dad working. I am expected to be the adult, and although I thought I had recovered enough to do that, obviously I still can’t. I don’t know what to do. My brain is a mess, I’m hallucinating, and my knees hurt. I have to be able to do this, but I don’t know how.