Ups and Downs

I have been slowly bouncing back from my crash. And, like always, it isn't a nice, neat, steady progression. It has to come in ups and downs and downs and then an up and then a down again - often all in the same day.

Something along the way triggered enough stress to affect my PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and trigger a mini period and the hormone changes that go with it. I am on Depo to keep me from having periods at all because the hormone fluctuation were making me downright suicidal - literally - for a week out of the month. Not good. I've been on the Depo for about a year and a half and it has been going well most of the time. I haven't had my system overwhelm it in about 6 months.

Of course, with hormone changes come skin breakouts (I'm 44, damn it, not 16!) and mood swings. I will be down and uncommunicative all morning, then have an up cycle where I get a bunch of projects done, like changing the pictures on my bedroom wall or washing my laundry. Then I'll crash and burn, take a nap, and spend the evening staring at whatever is on Netflix. Oh, and I've gained another 5 pounds. Thanks, hormones. It is bad enough that at least three of my meds can cause weight gain. I obsessively watch what I eat, but it is still creeping up. My primary doctor says he's not too concerned because my blood pressure is good and I don't LOOK like I weigh 217 pounds, but I can feel it on my poor arthritic feet, ankles and knees. I'd hate to think of how heavy I would be if I at only junk food. Yikes!

Anyway, I think I'm pulling past the hormone fluxes. Please let me be getting past it. Last night I had my trichotillomania rear its ugly head. I can't pull my hair, of course, since it is in a buzz cut. But my eyelashes are fair game. It is so frustrating to be sitting there yelling at myself to stop it, but I can't. It's like my physical actions are completely separate from what my brain is telling my body to do. So, I know have almost no eyelashes. Again. And my eyes are sore. Again. And I am frustrated. Again.

So that's my life for the past week or so. Going up. Going down.

Crash Day

I have had a streak of good days. I have had energy. I have been able to think straight. I got some projects done and did yoga 4 days in a row. It was wonderful.

The only downside was that nagging knowledge that it wouldn't last. Good days are wonderful, but they are always followed by a crash.

This morning I thought I was still riding the good wave. I got up a bit before 10 and thought maybe I would head to the grocery store after my morning coffee kicked in. I did my usual morning things, had breakfast - and crashed. It is what I call a failure to launch. Even with the coffee there is a bone-deep exhaustion that I just can't kick.

I ended up going back to bed after breakfast and slept 3 more hours. I had some more coffee and felt a bit better. The nagging pain in my ribs and back were fading (If I do my yoga stretching too many days in a row it triggers my costochondritis) and I felt a little more awake. I played games for a bit and had lunch - and crashed. My arthritis would not fade. It is still doing it now, that deep, severe ache that doesn't move or change whether I'm moving or lying down. I tried to walk it off, but my ankles were full of grating sand and the pain just wouldn't go down. I had to take extra pain meds and then I ended up taking a nap for another two hours.

I got up in time to make dinner on schedule. I ate, crashed in front of the TV (I couldn't focus well enough to read) and fought the desire to go back to bed. I am still fighting it, and my joints are still hurting and I am trying hard to keep the physical crash from turning into a mental one as well.

I guess I can take hope from the fact that I had several good days before the crash instead of the usual one or two. I can hope that it means I am improving. Only time - and a bunch of sleep - will tell.

Video Entry: We need rethink how we see mental illness

I am giving this video blog thing a try. Here I discuss how mental illnesses tend to come in groups instead of singly and how we need to change how we treat them.

No More Tumblr

OK. I was going through my Tumblr and copying posts to this blog so I could cancel my Tumblr account. Well, if you have been paying attention, that came to a standstill. I was triggering and hitting overload from reading the old posts, especially when I would read several at a time. So that project is dead. If it was on Tumblr, it is now officially gone. I know there was some good stuff on there, but I just can't do it.

My brain can't handle looking so closely at the past. So instead we will look forward. Onward and hopefully upward.