Enough, already

I have learned the hard way over the years that there is never a quick fix for anything. But come on! 2 1/2 weeks and I still can't sit up straight and the pain is killing me.

These past couple weeks have brought me closer to suicidal than anything has in years. Apparently having swelling and narrowing of the colon is not something that you can fix fast. I am still on the increased dosage of Tramadol, but that just isn't taking the pain down. And now my back is killing me because I am unconsciously hunching over and it is pulling muscles in my back and ribs. Having constant pain for this long has me depressed and anxious and my tolerance is not there any more.

I had yet another doctor appointment yesterday, this time with my primary physician. He, of course, has been read in on the situation. He explained that since we don't know exactly what is causing the problems - and we won't until they do the colonoscopy - he can't put me on stronger pain meds. Apparently they can cause more problems than they fix. The trick, he said, is to keep the colon working smoothly and any kind of opioid will cause it to jam up instead, which will put pressure on the swollen, painful areas and cause even more pain.

So, we are doing a bunch of other things that hopefully should bring the pain down in a few days, but aren't helping me much right now. I am on MiraLax to keep things going nice a smooth so that the colon doesn't get more irritated. And I am now on 2 different antibiotics. There is no overt indication of infection, but there might be one. And the antibiotics also work as anti-inflammatories, so that should help. I just need to give them a few days to do their work.

In the meantime I am grasping. And I am confused and scared and angry. I am still as stubborn as hell and make myself keep going despite the pain. I still drag my self out of bed, make myself eat breakfast, force myself to get dressed and pretend to do something productive. Because that's what I do. Sitting around sobbing isn't an option. It's not productive. Same with lying in bed all day. If I'm going to be depressed, I'll do it while sipping coffee and reading a book, not curled up with my head under the covers.

On the other hand, I have hit the point several times where the pain is so bad I just can't do it. I am curled up on the couch saying "I can't do this" over and over in my head. It is those times when I consider breaking into my mom's morphine stash and just taking a handful. Either it will bring the pain down so I can sleep, really sleep. Or it will stop the pain altogether and I can SLEEP. All of it, the pain, the depression, the anxiety, the fear, the confusion - all of it will end.

Fortunately I have had something to distract me from those thoughts before they get too overpowering. One of the cats will jump up on me and start purring. I will think about my niece whose birthday is this week and I would miss seeing her blossom into a beautiful young woman. I get a message from one of my wonderful friends just to say hi and to send me virtual hugs. These little things help me hold on just a bit longer.

Hanging on. Still hanging on.