Pure Willpower

Pain is a funny thing. Not funny ha ha, of course. But strange and unpredictable. You can damage your elbow and feel it in your neck. You can have an ovarian cyst and you feel it up by your gall bladder. The arthritis will flare up in my wrist and it will feel like like the middle of my forearm is on fire. Thanks to the nerves and their strange ways - and mine are stranger than most - you can never really know where the pain is coming from unless it's something obvious like a bone sticking out through your skin.

It has been a week now since my ER visit because of intense pain in my side and nothing has been decided yet. I was sent home with no extra pain meds or even any advice on how to lessen the intensity. My regular doctor did an exam and ordered a CT scan, but he won't see the scan results until sometime tomorrow. He recommended heat to see of that would bring down any inflammation, but I am left with the big questions of where? Where is the pain really coming from? Yes, it hurts on my sides - both of them, by the way - but it also hurts in my back, in my shoulders, and in my pelvis. It is like my nerves are playing a sadistic pinball game and I just can't keep up.

Not only that, but have you ever sat with a heating pad during the summer? Ugh! It leaves me wanting to go sit in the fridge for an hour.

I have been trying to take it easy so as to not aggravate whatever the hell is wrong with me, but stuff needs to get done. I had to drive myself to the CT scan on Friday. On Saturday I had to drive to the store to get two of my prescriptions and a couple of other necessities, such as ginger beer to counteract the nausea that comes with the pain. No matter how bad it hurts, I still have to eat, and that means getting to the kitchen and fixing something. Taking a shower is pure hell, but after sitting with a heating pad I definitely need one.

I am in a place I haven't been in for a long time - running on pure willpower. I so badly just want to collapse on the floor and sob, but that won't do me any good. It will actually make things worse. I feel so sick all I want is to sip the ginger, but I need real food so I force myself to eat and then force myself to keep it down. I am clinging to the hope that tomorrow something will be found and it can be fixed. If nothing is found, I don't know what will happen. I have nothing left. My claws are slipping.