Sunday, September 4, 2016

Suicidal? Or just extremely pissed off?

I can't live like this. I really can't. And I am getting really tired of having my pain trivialized.

My body has been under some sort of stress for about a month. I had a period break through the depo shots - a big sign that something bad is going on - and I have been breaking out in cold sweats while doing the simplest things. I have had contact hives off and on. And for the past week I have had progressively worse pain in my right side. I called the doctor's office and made an appointment for the soonest they have. Because of the holiday, the earliest they had was Tuesday. This was Friday. I could last a few more days, right?

Not a chance. This afternoon the pain got so bad that I was dizzy and nauseated. I couldn't take a deep breath and I was sweating like crazy. My Dad was at work so I had to drive myself to the ER. I took my Mom with me for moral support. By the time we got there the pain was a 9 or 10 on the 1 to 10 pain scale and I was holding off an anxiety attack by pure willpower.

They got me in a room and did urine and blood tests. They put in an IV and gave me an extra pain medication and something for nausea. The nurses were great. They got me set up with a warm blanket once the sweats had stopped and they were great about explaining what they were doing with all the wires and such.

The doctor was nice. I'm sure he knows his job. But I really want to beat him with a stick. When he came in, he asked the basic "where does it hurt." Then he said that phrase I really hate: "What took you so long to have this checked out." AAAARGH!!! I explained about the chronic pain and how it's hard to distinguish new pain from old. Then he asked the question I really, really hate: "What do you think it is?" How the fuck should I know? If I knew what was wrong I wouldn't be at the ER!

It took about 2 hours for the tests to come back. My mom was great and she called my dad to keep him in the loop. Then the doctor came back with the test results. He said it was good news. Nothing was wrong. My white blood count was great and no sign of kidney, pancreas, liver, or any other major organ having problems. It was just normal pain.

That was when the full-blown anxiety attack hit. Normal pain? What the fuck is normal pain? I don't care what kind of chronic pain conditions I have, a pain level of 9 or 10 is anything but normal. He told me to follow up with my doctor and he might run more tests if he feels the need. So I'll still be seeing him on Tuesday. Then the nurse disconnected everything, I put my shirt and shoes back on, and I drove myself and my Mom home.

But as I sat there in the ER with wires running from my chest, a bloodpressure cuff on my arm, and a needle stuck in my arm, I just couldn't help but think that I can't live like this. I have already conditioned myself to believe that doctors are useless. I am trying to break that, but this experience just made it a whole lot worse. And if the doctors I am supposed to depend on to take care of me tell me everything is great and it's just "normal" pain - well, that is more than I can deal with. I am pissed. I am exhausted. I hurt. I am still shaking. I still can't breath. I need someone to tell me that something can be done to help me. Because this is more than I can live with.

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