Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Finding Myself

I have lived my entire life trying to conform to what I perceived as normal. I would like what my friends and peers liked. I tried to dress like them. I let them shape me. I rarely gave my opinion because my views were "wrong". Even as a child I knew that I saw and thought about things differently. After a few time being called freak or weirdo, I learned to just nod my head and go along with it.

I have had a few true friends with whom I could be more of myself. I flourished in those friendships, but then there was always a crash, a breakdown. And since I never dared to let anyone know about my psychotic breaks, I would hide them by moving, changing, leaving everything behind. I have been blessed to have friends who sought me out and wouldn't let me go away completely. Facebook has been a blessing in this way - they were able to find me, start simple, take it slow, and let me ease back into communications with them.

But despite these true friends, I still hid. I conformed as much as I could with coworkers and bosses. The few times I tried to truly express myself ended up being too honest and too aggressive from someone who was always quiet and uncomplaining. Jobs ended, shallow friendships disappeared, and I moved on again and again, my belief that I had to hide myself becoming stronger.

In some ways my major psychotic break 4 1/2 years ago was a blessing. I couldn't hide any more. My family learned about the schizophrenia I had been dealing with alone since I was a child. I became sheltered and afraid of the world. I couldn't work or go to social events any more. I was isolated from all those people I thought of as normal and I no longer knew how to act, to dress, to talk, to believe. I lost so many friends, although I have learned since that those who abandoned me weren't truly friends. I learned who my true friends were and just how wonderful and accepting and supportive my family is.

And now, after being with just myself for so long, I am finally discovering who I really am. I am not normal, whatever that means. I am a total pacifist and can't tolerate or even understand violence of any kind, against humans or animals. I have learned after shaving my head because of the trichotillomania so many times that I actually like not having hair. It is so much easier and somehow a short buzz cut just seems more like "me." I have gotten several tattoos already, and not the simple butterfly or flower that I would have gotten to be "normal". They are intricate and stunning and have meanings that speak to my soul. I have a semi-colon for suicide awareness tattooed on my right thumb so it is what everyone sees when we shake hands. I have NOH8 - no hate - tattooed on the other so it can be seen by all. "Harm None" is also prominent on my right arm, right below the tat of my totem, the snow leopard. And on my left arm is a dragon to remind me that I am strong.

I just got 3 new piercings in my upper left ear. Eventually they will be hoops. And I will get my right ear tattooed so that anyone who sees me knows I am not a conformist. I am not normal. I am different. And tattoos are planned on my arms - all in places where they can be seen. I don't believe in getting art and hiding it.

Today I looked in the mirror and smiled. I had my hair buzzed today so there is just the barest bit of fuzz on my head. The new piercings are just studs right now, but they are something that I would never have gotten when surrounded by "normal" people. They look like me. If you can't see my DD breasts, I look rather androgynous - and I love it. I am decorating myself the way I want to. I am finding gems and art that speak to me and to the world just who I really am. And I love it.

I am finally finding out who I really am on the inside. And I have found the strength to let it be expressed on the outside. I am finding myself.

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