Finding The Patterns

If you have been following me or have known me for a while, you will know that one of my "things" is that I have to be in control. I learned through years of therapy that this is my response to the combination of my mind being so chaotic and my schizophrenia trying to find a patter to all of it. I keep thinking that if I could just get enough data, I can make it all fall into place and work like it's supposed to.

Of course, that never happens. I have literally sat on the floor sobbing that there isn't enough data, I don't have enough data points to make the pattern readable. And that is just the mental side of things. Then there are my autoimmune diseases and other physical ailments that complicate it and make it necessary to get even MORE data to make it all fall into place.

To some extent I have succeeded. By reading research papers and journals and talking to various doctors, I have learned that a lot of my ailments are connected. My mental illness and my chronic nerve and muscle pain (often called fibromyalgia) are connected because they are all disruptions in the proper function of my central nervous system. And they are now finding autoimmune connections to this type of dysfunction. I KNEW there was a link. What I could see of the pattern hinted at it. Now I just wish someone could find a way to fix it. That research, unfortunately, is decades away from having a practical application.

Today I found another connection. I had my follow-up appointment with the immunologist and all I had to report was that increasing the dosage on the Loratadine had done nothing to improve the chronic hives. I am still completely miserable and am having trouble sleeping because of the itching and pain. I have also been completely nauseated and have had trouble keeping my meds down after taking them in the evening. I happened to mention it, and the doctor confirmed what I suspected: When I have that type of autoimmune inflammation on my skin, it is also happening throughout the GI tract. So, when the hives flare up, I get nauseated and have GI trouble and YES they are connected.

With that in mind, he decided to forgo what was going to be step 2 to controlling the hives and we are going to step 3. If we can get Medicare's approval (and he said it usually isn't a problem) we are going with Xolair, a monthly injection designed specifically to control hives or asthma that don't respond to typical medication. I don't know how long it will take to get the approval, but I hope it is soon. I am going nucking futs with the hives and nausea.

In the meantime, I am feeling completely out of control. Yes, we have some answers and a plan, but I am still trying to find a pattern. Maybe the hives would go away if I stopped eating this or that. Did they get worse when I went to bed later than usual? Could it be the heat? Is that causing the flare-up? There has to be something I'm missing, something that I can control that will fix this. This isn't the case, of course. I am already on a very restricted diet (and wouldn't that be wonderful if this new medication fixed some of my GI issues and I could relax the regimen a bit?) and I know logically that what I am eating is not causing this. But that doesn't stop me from going over it again and again in my head to find some connection to eating peaches and feeling more tired.

Sometimes this need to find patterns is a good thing. But usually it is just a one-way trip to Anxiety Land.