Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Letting Go Of The Past

It is so hard to not cling to the past, especially since my life has changed so drastically in the past 5 years. I can no longer work. I have trouble getting around, even to just go to the store. I have trouble focusing. I have severe anxiety. I have trouble getting out of bed. I have days when I can barely take care of myself. I can't clean my own house. I am in pain every single moment of every single day. I am on so many meds to control my illnesses that I can barely put a thought together. I don't have hair. I communicate with most of my friends strictly online.

I compare myself to who I was 10 years ago and I just want to curl up and die. And yes, that is a completely accurate statement.

A few days ago I posted a picture on Facebook of one corner of my bedroom, which is the only space that is truly mine (actually it belongs to the cats, but they let me live there). I posted that I finally had one corner of my room "finished" the way I wanted. Yesterday I ripped it down. I pulled everything off of the shelves and started getting rid of things. These things were my past. They were no longer me. It hurt like hell to get rid of these things, but it had to happen.

The first things to go were my ritual tools and Tarot decks. Technically I am still an ordained Priestess in the Wiccan Tradition, but I no longer hold rituals for people. I no longer officiate weddings, bless babies, or send the soul on after death. I sobbed as a scoured my offering bowls and chalices with salt. Most of them were wood - I have always been an Earth Witch - and they are now in the garden, given back to the Earth. My wooden athame is also in the garden under a rose bush, planted as deeply as I could into the ground. Several crystals and other stones have also found new lives scattered among the rosemary, forget-me-nots, and lavender. The ceramic bowls have been cleansed and can now be used for ice cream or cereal.

I used my cauldron one last time to burn the sage and meadowsweet and the locks of hair I had used in ritual. The hair was doubly hard because I know I will never again have a braid that hangs to my waist. Once things had cooled, the ashes went under some plants that needed extra fertilizer and the cauldron was also scoured with salt. I plan to use it as a planter - it's days of holding burnt offerings is over. I had no means to burn the 3 Tarot decks, so they were cut to pieces. I never was truly comfortable with the traditional Tarot, but it was still hard letting go. My hand-sewn ritual robe was also cut to pieces and discarded, damp from my tears.

There is a lot missing now, from my life and from my shelves. I still have two divination decks, just not a Tarot deck. I kept many of the small stones to use in planters and candle bowls. And I am still going through things, deciding if each and every thing is vital to me as my life is now or if it is simply me clinging to the past.

I am feeling a bit adrift right now. I am still deeply spiritual, but the Wiccan path just wasn't quite fitting any more. Mainly this is because it has deep roots in northern Europe and it doesn't quite fit with the desert Southwest of the USA. For instance, it is hard to celebrate the darkness of Midwinter when it is sunny and 70 degrees outside. Native American Shamanism fits a bit better, but it really isn't me, either. As always, I will have to find my own path to follow, one that allows for some sort of meaning for my mental and physical illnesses.

I have put a couple of things back on the shelves and I have my "Fairy Lights" on. These are tiny lights on a copper strand that one of my sisters gave me a couple of years ago. They always add a sense of whimsy when I turn them on and they are helping that new unsteady ground firm up just a bit. Right now they are reflecting on my Maneki Neko and a ceramic bowl full of bits of lava rock - and that sums me up pretty well. I love the whimsy, the luck, the science, and the products of Earth at its newest.

Namaste, Good Wishes, Blessed Be.

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