Pressure

Well, it has been several months since my therapist of 5 years left the area. I tried a couple of new people, but they didn't quite mesh. And so I have let the therapist search slide. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

I have been doing a lot of self searching and self discovery. I have also been able to get out in public a bit more. I am widening my comfort zone to beyond the walls of the house, which is a good thing. Overall I've been doing OK. Yes, I had a meltdown at the tail end of the family reunion, but that was because my comfort zone was "invaded" by children and other people. It was WONDERFUL having them here, but it left me with no way out. The meltdown really wasn't unexpected. And I have been physically sick - a cold that was probably carried by one of the kids - and that puts me on edge. But I keep telling myself I'm doing OK.

Unfortunately, without a therapist who really knows me, I have no idea how to check if I really am OK or if I am just trying to be. I also missed my monthly appointment with my psychiatrist because it fell right when my cold was the worst. And so now I sit and drive myself crazy trying to determine if I'm really OK or I'm lying to myself about being OK. Yes, I can go from being OK to not being OK just by stressing over it. Let's hear it for an anxious, overly analytical brain.

I feel like I'm under pressure, like I used to feel when I was on a hard deadline. I keep getting anxious about not having my bedroom shelves rearranged yet or not posting here on the blog or doing a video blog with my new webcam (it finally came). Even right now I feel like I HAVE to type in this blog entry and post it because I haven't in a while and I just have to keep current. I keep telling myself I am not under any deadline for any of it, but my brain doesn't listen.

At this point, I don't know if searching for a new therapist would help or hurt. If I can find someone compatible, I will still have that "getting to know you" period where things are awkward. And if I start the search again, I will have just one more thing to feel pressure about. Ugh! I'm stressing just thinking about it.

And now I have the Queen song running through my head. At least it's a good song.