I have dealt with depression and suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. And although I wasn't diagnosed until I was 19, looking back at my younger years I definitely had traces of the schizophrenia as well. I was fortunate that my mother recognized depression and got me treatment at the age of 11. That helped for a long time, but the darkness never fully went away.
When I was young, being a Christian is what kept me alive. If I thought about killing myself, I would also think that suicide was a sin and that I was put here on Earth for a reason. I was still young enough that those thoughts were enough to keep me going. I also didn't have the physical disabilities I have now. Still, there were a lot of times when my connection with God kept me here.
Then, as I got older, I started to question. I started in High School when I was taking seminary classes for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (if you go to high school in Utah, it's pretty much a given; seminary is part of the regular class schedules). It was during seminary that my logical mind got me into trouble and shook my faith. I was told that I just needed to have faith that God knew what he was doing when I would go to my seminary teacher with conflicting scriptures. I was told to have faith the God was still blessing us when the young man blessing our sacrament was a boy I knew for a fact had gotten at least 3 girls at school pregnant. I was always told to just have faith and everything would be fine.
When I moved to Los Angeles at age 19 I had the first of what I was sure was a psychotic episode. I was hospitalized and medicated. And the member of the LDS clergy they dug up was horrible. I actually had more in common with the Catholic priest that the LDS one, which was a sad state of affairs. I had given up a while before that on "just have faith" and that was my first suicide attempt.
Fortunately, several of my new friends were Wiccan, and they taught me a new way to look at the Earth, the Universe, and Divinity. With their help, I was able to integrate my schizophrenia into the religion and help me deal with it using meditation. I did well for several years, then the friend I had followed to LA abandoned me and went back to being LDS, saying that all that had happened over past several years was a hoax and she had been lying about everything. I had to find God again or I was going to hell. Cue my second suicide attempt.
I fell in with another group of pagans, who unfortunately weren't very stable or peaceful. I also became engaged to a man I thought really loved me, even though he cheated on me - I even caught him in the act a couple of times. I convinced myself that I had to become a warrior for the Goddess in the very real sense and joined the Army. By the way, if you are even half intelligent, it is really easy to fake those psych exams. This coincided with the beginnings of my autoimmune disorders attacking my joints and muscles and I washed out of boot camp with busted knees and ankles. I returned to a cheating fiance who was still there for me anyway and a feeling of being a complete and utter failure at my purpose in life. You guessed it: suicide attempt number 3.
I guess it's a good thing I really suck at killing myself. I found new friends - some of whom were Wiccan, started college, and threw myself into scientific study. My physical pain was bad, but bearable. I was afraid to tell doctors that I was schizophrenic so I told them I had depression and the anti-depressants kept me functional. Long story short, after 6 years my "fiance" finally left with another girl, I couldn't handle the stress of college and working 3 jobs, and I ended up moving back to Utah. And the LDS Church came back into my life.
I won't go into the next 16 years of ups and downs. I never attempted suicide again, but I came close. I have been hospitalized, I have crashed and burned, I am now on disability, I have come out of the schizophrenia closet, and I live with my very LDS mother. She struggles with depression and physical disabilities and I don't know how she does it. You see, to be LDS, or a Christian in general, is to believe that everything you are is dictated by God. The Book of Job is often quoted "be patient in adversity" and all that rot. Well, I can't do that. I can't believe that. There is no way I can be patient with the utter shit I have to deal with.
If I were to believe like a Christian does that God has seen fit to give me schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD, chronic nerve pain, severe body-wide arthritis, chronic hives, the list goes on - well, there would be absolutely nothing for me to live for. You see, if I believed that, I would have to believe that he hates me and is punishing me for something I have done or that I am supposed to be some sort of Job whom he tortures just to see if I'll break. I can't believe either of those.
It is still hard, but I believe the Goddess has my back. You see, in my beliefs, the divine doesn't act to give people cancer or send a hurricane to destroy a city. Instead, they work within the constraints of nature and science (as much of it that we know). Basically, I am tortured by some really fucked up genetics, but I have the Goddess and other spiritual beings there to help me, guide me, and give me strength. They do not cause my pain, but are part of what relieves it.
My mom has tried to tell me that this is what God really does, but then she reads the Bible and listens to the Church authorities and they preach the all-knowing God who controls everything. And my soul just won't let me pray to a God who would let millions die in earthquakes and hurricanes and floods - guilty and innocent - when he could stop it. I cannot follow a God who gives a small child a horrible disease and lets a murderer live until he is 90. This is not a loving God in my eyes, but a capricious one. I might as well pray to Zeus.
I will take my Goddess and my God and all my other spiritual guides that choose to tread lightly and let the Earth be herself. They are there for me. The Christian God isn't.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Suicide Awareness
I was going to do this particular entry as a video, but I kept breaking out in tears as I was filming. So ... text it is.
September is Suicide Awareness Month, so I am going to hopefully post quite a few things on the subject. Already I have seen a lot of good articles, blogs, and memes on the subject, but there is one vital topic none of them cover.
ONCE A PERSON HAS ATTEMPTED SUICIDE OR EVEN FULLY PLANNED IT, THAT THOUGHT NEVER GOES AWAY.
Suicidal thoughts are like addictions. You go through a crisis; you fight with it; you get help; you recover. But just like an addiction, that itch never fully goes away. The next time you feel that depression or sense of loss, your brain easily goes down that same path. It can be months, even years, but it is still there. Just like a recovering alcoholic with his 10-year-sober chip can fall into the bottle again if his life takes a turn for the worst, someone who has previously attempted or considered suicide can fall into that mindset again easily and faster than someone who has never been suicidal.
Why am I telling you this? Because if you have a friend or family member who has been suicidal in the past, you need to pay special attention to them if something bad or traumatic happens in their life. The warning period can be drastically shortened. PLEASE do not EVER discount a comment that they are suicidal or don't want to live any more. You shouldn't with anyone, but you need to be extra careful in these instances, no matter how many years have passed. You see, the brain is programmed to take certain actions when you feel a certain way. And if they feel that depression, anxiety, worthlessness, trauma, etc. again, the brain will go down that same road. Also, if they have attempted suicide in the past, the plan is already there. It has already been considered and thought out. It is as simple to the brain as the alcoholic who falls off the wagon - he knows exactly where to go and what drink to order to deal with how he is feeling.
And if you yourself have been suicidal in the past, don't assume those thoughts are dead and gone, and for the same reason. There are things you can do yourself to help slow down the fall down into the abyss. I have had some wonderful therapists and they helped me set up what I call road blocks in my thought processes. Basically I have trained my brain to identify when the depression or schizophrenia or my physical illnesses get severe and I start getting close to suicidal thoughts. I then have thoughts or actions that I take to derail the process.
The more mental road blocks you can set up, the better. You can use scriptures that help you feel better or you can meditate on a saying from the Dalai Lama. Basically, find a thought or feeling that distracts you from how horribly miserable you feel right now. I have photos of my nieces and nephews scattered all over my bedroom along with notes and cards from family and friends. I will make myself pick one or two of the photos and make my mind only focus on how much I love those kids. I also have friends and family I can text or message at just about any hour to help me out of a funk. And, as a final lifeline, I have programmed myself that I will contact the Suicide Helpline before I do anything to myself. I have the link to their chat option on the bookmarks bar on my computer.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to understand this. Not two weeks ago I reached that final step. I have a ton of roadblocks set up to derail suicidal ideation when it is a mental health issue. But this time it was a major bad reaction to a medication for one of my autoimmune disorders. I was physically so miserable - I couldn't eat solid food for days and I had hives the size of my hand on my thighs and arms - that it bypassed all the roadblocks. The pain and weakness jumpstarted the suicidal thoughts so fast I was on the edge before I or anyone else realized. Thankfully that last roadblock - to contact the Suicide Helpline - was still there. It was a Sunday night and I was on the chat for about an hour. The wonderful person on the other end got me to promise to talk to my allergist before doing anything. They were smart about it and had me chanting it over and over before they would let me offline. And my wonderful doctor got me in to see him within an hour of my calling the next morning. He took emergency measures to get my physical symptoms under control and he wouldn't let me leave his office until I had promised I wouldn't hurt myself.
I am still reeling from how fast I went down that road. I have had years to retrain my brain and I still got far too close to killing myself. It can happen to anyone, even those who think it is a thing from their distant past.
Please - pay attention. Never ignore any sort of talk of self harm, not wanting to live any more, or wishing it would all end. Don't ignore it in yourself. And don't ignore it in others. Lives CAN be saved if we all just agree to help each other.
September is Suicide Awareness Month, so I am going to hopefully post quite a few things on the subject. Already I have seen a lot of good articles, blogs, and memes on the subject, but there is one vital topic none of them cover.
ONCE A PERSON HAS ATTEMPTED SUICIDE OR EVEN FULLY PLANNED IT, THAT THOUGHT NEVER GOES AWAY.
Suicidal thoughts are like addictions. You go through a crisis; you fight with it; you get help; you recover. But just like an addiction, that itch never fully goes away. The next time you feel that depression or sense of loss, your brain easily goes down that same path. It can be months, even years, but it is still there. Just like a recovering alcoholic with his 10-year-sober chip can fall into the bottle again if his life takes a turn for the worst, someone who has previously attempted or considered suicide can fall into that mindset again easily and faster than someone who has never been suicidal.
Why am I telling you this? Because if you have a friend or family member who has been suicidal in the past, you need to pay special attention to them if something bad or traumatic happens in their life. The warning period can be drastically shortened. PLEASE do not EVER discount a comment that they are suicidal or don't want to live any more. You shouldn't with anyone, but you need to be extra careful in these instances, no matter how many years have passed. You see, the brain is programmed to take certain actions when you feel a certain way. And if they feel that depression, anxiety, worthlessness, trauma, etc. again, the brain will go down that same road. Also, if they have attempted suicide in the past, the plan is already there. It has already been considered and thought out. It is as simple to the brain as the alcoholic who falls off the wagon - he knows exactly where to go and what drink to order to deal with how he is feeling.
And if you yourself have been suicidal in the past, don't assume those thoughts are dead and gone, and for the same reason. There are things you can do yourself to help slow down the fall down into the abyss. I have had some wonderful therapists and they helped me set up what I call road blocks in my thought processes. Basically I have trained my brain to identify when the depression or schizophrenia or my physical illnesses get severe and I start getting close to suicidal thoughts. I then have thoughts or actions that I take to derail the process.
The more mental road blocks you can set up, the better. You can use scriptures that help you feel better or you can meditate on a saying from the Dalai Lama. Basically, find a thought or feeling that distracts you from how horribly miserable you feel right now. I have photos of my nieces and nephews scattered all over my bedroom along with notes and cards from family and friends. I will make myself pick one or two of the photos and make my mind only focus on how much I love those kids. I also have friends and family I can text or message at just about any hour to help me out of a funk. And, as a final lifeline, I have programmed myself that I will contact the Suicide Helpline before I do anything to myself. I have the link to their chat option on the bookmarks bar on my computer.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to understand this. Not two weeks ago I reached that final step. I have a ton of roadblocks set up to derail suicidal ideation when it is a mental health issue. But this time it was a major bad reaction to a medication for one of my autoimmune disorders. I was physically so miserable - I couldn't eat solid food for days and I had hives the size of my hand on my thighs and arms - that it bypassed all the roadblocks. The pain and weakness jumpstarted the suicidal thoughts so fast I was on the edge before I or anyone else realized. Thankfully that last roadblock - to contact the Suicide Helpline - was still there. It was a Sunday night and I was on the chat for about an hour. The wonderful person on the other end got me to promise to talk to my allergist before doing anything. They were smart about it and had me chanting it over and over before they would let me offline. And my wonderful doctor got me in to see him within an hour of my calling the next morning. He took emergency measures to get my physical symptoms under control and he wouldn't let me leave his office until I had promised I wouldn't hurt myself.
I am still reeling from how fast I went down that road. I have had years to retrain my brain and I still got far too close to killing myself. It can happen to anyone, even those who think it is a thing from their distant past.
Please - pay attention. Never ignore any sort of talk of self harm, not wanting to live any more, or wishing it would all end. Don't ignore it in yourself. And don't ignore it in others. Lives CAN be saved if we all just agree to help each other.
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