I have been vegan off and on for about 25 years. Originally it was for ethical reasons. Then my body started to reject complex proteins and I started getting sick after eating meat. Dairy disappeared from my diet after the first go-around because I lost my tolerance for lactose. Then I started having trouble with beef, then pork, then turkey, and so on. I found out I was also gluten intolerant and probably had been for years. My allergist thinks that it may been damage caused to my GI tract by the gluten intolerance that caused the progressive intolerance to other proteins. My system couldn't digest the proteins and it allowed those huge molecules to break through the intestine wall and cause an autoimmune response.
For years I was stuck with a vegan, gluten-free, nut-free diet. It was healthy, that's for sure. I cooked 99% of my own meals because I could never trust that a restaurant wouldn't have something not listed in the ingredients. I did find a few canned soups and frozen dinners that I could eat, but they get old really quick when there are only 5 of them for you to cycle through. Even high-protein plant sources like quinoa and legumes left me feeling yucky if I ate too much at once.
Earlier this year, I started seeing a new allergist and he got me on some medication that targets the immune system directly. I started feeling better after binge eating hummus or other heavy plant proteins so I tried eating some fish. I actually didn't feel sick after eating it, although it tasted weird after not having any for so long. I found that my taste for cooked fish was almost non-existent, but I loved the sushi with salmon and tuna. Eventually I got up the courage to try the one thing that had been my Achilles heel in the past: Buffalo wings. I found a good place that does them right and they tasted divine. And I didn't get sick. My body dealt with it fine. I started eating wings a couple times a month - it was my guilty pleasure - and I was fine until I tried a new barbecue sauce that had wheat in it. Yeah, that gluten is still a problem. I was sick for about a week.
I eventually tried eating chicken in general, and even some turkey, and it sat fine. I even tried eggs and they didn't make me sick at all. Progress! I was able to go out to eat with my parents and eat "real" food. I started cooking some, although it had to be pre-cooked or handled frozen. I couldn't even look at the raw stuff without getting woozy. That should have been my cue that not all was OK
Well, eating any meat came to a screeching halt this past week. My parents are going out of town to my sister's place for Thanksgiving and I am staying home (yeah, I still can't not panic over traveling). I thought maybe I could find a pre-cooked turkey breast or something similar that I could have at home. I made the horrible decision to go browsing through the meat department. Now, keep in mind that not 3 years ago I couldn't walk past it without "seeing" blood running out of the bottom of the meat cases. It is a section of the store I walk past quickly with eyes averted.
Yeah, it was a disaster. It started with the hams and pork loins. Then there were beef briskets and steaks. There were big ham bones and half chickens laying there raw, some so fresh they still had some feathers in the skin around the neck. Well, I wasn't seeing a ham, I was seeing a pig. I was seeing a cow, I was seeing one of those cute chickens my friends keep. I might have made it out of there just feeling nauseated, but then the pigs started screaming. It was that horrible sound you hear at a farm when someone is forcing the pig to go or do something it doesn't want to and it is terrified. The cows were panting, like they do when they are put in a chute and they can't get loose. The smell of the place went from the already awful smell of raw meat to the coppery scent of a lot of blood.
I had hysterics. I panicked right there in grocery store. I got me and the cart partway down one of the frozen aisles so at least I couldn't see the meat department any more, but that was as far as I got. I couldn't breath without smelling blood and I could still hear the screaming. I know I ended up on my knees holding onto the cart for dear life and I just tried not to sob.
The good news is that I have been going to that grocery store for about 17 years and they know me. They have helped me in the past when I have had sensory overload and had to just leave my cart and go. One of the ladies in the bakery could see down the aisle and saw that there was a problem and she called one of the managers. Her name is Louise and I think she's been there as long as I have been going there. She helped me stand up and had one of the other staff members put my cart in the back freezer so my groceries wouldn't melt. She helped me to the front of the store to one of the benches and just sat with me until I got calmed down. The pharmacy staff could see me on the bench and they know me really well. One of the techs came over to see if I needed anything. I told her I had some emergency anxiety meds in my purse but that my hands were shaking too much to get it out. She got me some water and helped my with my meds, then went back behind the counter. (When I went in a few days later to pick up some prescriptions, they all had to make sure I was OK.) I had already gotten everything I really needed, so when I was calm enough to walk and think, Louise had someone go get my cart so I could check out. She insisted that I have one of the baggers go out and help me get my groceries in the car.
I am still shaking from it. I had some chicken breasts I had cooked the night before so I would have some on hand for meals. I couldn't even look at them. I told my parents to eat them. Last night I tried eating some chicken sausage with my pasta, thinking that if it didn't look like chicken I would be OK. I ate it fine, but when I was trying to sleep I had a sudden panic attack about how horrible a person I was that I had eaten that chicken.
So ... I guess we're back to being vegan. I might be able to handle fish. Maybe. I don't think I'm going to push it right now. And Thanksgiving dinner will be a grilled Portabello mushroom. No turkeys need apply.
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