I haven't been posting here or on my Facebook page. I am just so anxious and frankly pissed off that I have been afraid to voice my real feelings. Yes, I am still fighting that ingrained feeling that you don't complain or tell someone you are angry and why. I am trained to always keep the peace, be the calming one. Well, that hasn't been the case and so I have just kept silent.
To start with, the Russian roulette of immunosuppresent continues. I started yet another one - this is number 5 - at the beginning of this month. So far - knock on wood - it is doing what it is supposed to do. But then, so did 3 others at the 4-week point. So I am on edge just waiting for it to do something horrible.
Then there are the holidays. I planned ahead and had everything either in my hands or sent to the person by the first of December. The plan was that then I could just relax and not stress gifts. Well, I didn't take into account my mother and her holiday mania. She flip-flopped all over the place on what she would get the grandkids. Then, when she had that settled, she didn't let it go. She had to do more. It wasn't quite right. They needed to do something else. She hit that manic stage that I was trying so hard to avoid.
Then she started the baking. The original plan was one day of making one kind of cookie and being done in one day. Well, she ended up with 5 days of baking instead. The house smelled heavenly and I couldn't eat one single bit of it. She was on her feet so much, she had to get her walker out again because her knees hurt so much. But she wouldn't stop. I started to get manic and OCD myself, but I couldn't do anything about it. The kitchen would be a mess, there would be flour all over the counter where I was trying to make dinner, and the faucet handle and cupboard knobs were sticky. I NEEDED to clean the kitchen, but I couldn't. And still there were all the wonderful things I couldn't eat that were being packaged and sent to everyone else.
Now, normally I don't stress too much over people eating things I can't. My diet is so restricted, I just can't realistically expect everyone else to bow to it. But things were getting too fucking out of control. Even Christmas dinner was devastating. My parents had their traditional ham, which is fine if I don't need to eat it or touch it. I had a broiled portabello, which was delicious. But as I was fixing my own separate dinner, I told them I was almost done. They both looked at me surprised. My mom actually asked if I was going to eat with them. My answer was "of course", but the fact that they were sitting down to Christmas dinner and weren't expecting me to join them was heartbreaking.
Yesterday my sister Kristin came down with her kids and her live-in Ryan. There was pizza and birthday cake for my niece Kassie. No one asked if they could pick us some of my gluten-free donuts or coconut milk ice cream so I could join in. And right now the house still smells of baking thanks to the omelet pancakes my mom made everyone else for breakfast. There are platters and plates of peanut brittle and fudge and other goodies all over the kitchen counter - none of it I can eat. At this point I seriously am just pissed off. It reaches a point where it feels to me like no one thinks I'm worth any effort. There are 2 cookbooks in the cupboard full of recipes that are gluten-free and vegan. With all of the baking going on, would it hurt my mom to at least open one up and see what is there?
I have been bombarded with a billion little words and actions that make me feel isolated. My no-stress holiday season is instead a minefield of hurts, imagined or otherwise. I am not sure whether to break something or just curl up and sob. I feel like I'm being a whiny child, but I really just want to be included without feeling like a burden. And that just doesn't happen.
