In my last entry I mentioned that I was on the edge of a breakdown. Well, it turns out I was in the middle of one. There is nothing like a high-functioning psychotic episode to make life "interesting". I am glad I didn't have to go into the hospital, but the recovery has been rough. We ended up doubling my anti-psychotic temporarily, then made it permanent. And I have had a lot of trouble giving myself time to recover.
According to my psychiatrist and several studies I have read, any type of psychotic episode damages connections in the brain. When you are young, the brain can rewrite new pathways relatively easily. But by the time you're my age, nothing heals fast. And the disconnect while the healing is going on is rather disturbing. When I have been in the hospital, I can always tell myself it really was that bad and I need to give my brain enough time to rewrite those damaged pathways. But I was home the whole time with no on-hand medical support. I lost days to memory loss and dissociation while I was trying to heal. I am just now getting some "normal" function back, but it is different. Every time I have any kind of psychosis, colors change. Sounds change. Textures change. It's like waking up and some sort of filter has been put over my senses that makes everything softer, or harder, or just different.
So, I'm finally coming out of it. Everything seems more blue - even sound, which is hard to describe - but I am connecting and functioning better. Which, of course, means that something else has to go to hell. I have had intermittent problems with my upper back for years, but I always thought it was part of the nerve pain in my shoulders. Well, about a week ago we had a really nasty storm move through and my arthritis flared up bad. I'm pretty sure they could smell the arthritis cream I was using on the other edge of town. But even worse, my back felt like I had pinched a nerve or dislocated something.
I couldn't get an appointment with my primary physician because he was out of town. The pain was so bad I went to Instacare instead. It was a horrendous experience: A Monday morning in the middle of flu season. I was there 4 hours and was wearing a face mask the whole time to hopefully ward off all the nasty germs people were coughing and sneezing into the atmosphere. That was a week ago and my chin and cheeks are still raw from the mask rubbing - and I still caught a nasty chest cold.
I finally got in with a doctor and he immediately sent me over for x-rays. When they came back, he told me that the problem was osteoarthritis in my spine. He actually said that he had never seen arthritis that severe in someone as young as me. Yay! I'm an overachiever! He showed me the pictures and even I could tell it was bad. There were bone spurs and rough spots all over the place. And he told me something I have probably read before but managed to forget: That osteoarthritis is not area specific. Yes, it is more likely to form in joints that have experienced trauma, but once the body starts producing the extra bone deposits, it can occur anywhere in the body.
This past week I have basically been in shock. The Instacare doctor gave me prednisone and a muscle relaxant to bring down the inflammation in my shoulders and back, with helped at least temporarily. And he directed me to some OTC pain patches that I can put right on the bad spot. But I have just been floating. I left a message for my primary physician and left him a message, but other than that I just haven't been able to cope. It is bad enough I have to deal with errant messages in my brain, but body-wide arthritis? Bone spurs rubbing on my already overactive nerves? WTF!?
My doctor's MA called this morning and told me they were sending a referral to a pain specialist, the same one my mom sees. I hope something good happens because I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. (Or maybe that's just the chest cold). I don't want to deal with yet another new doctor. I don't want to go into a new place and try to explain my many issues, mental and physical. I am panicking and I don't even have an appointment yet.
I am trying to hang on. I have fallen on my face again and I am just too exhausted to get up again. Not right now.
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